During the re-evaluation phase of our work, I routinely ask my clients “how do you want your life to be?” And the answer I get is often the same: “I want to be happy”. This consistency suggests that unless we are in some sort of physical or emotional crisis, we universally seek happiness in our lives.
In this article I will provide you, in the simplest way I can, what the science of positive psychology found in the two decades of its becoming with respect to this universal human desire. Before I begin though, let me tell you what this article is NOT. This is not one of those “3, 4, 5 easy steps to a perfect life” articles. Unfortunately, any happiness that comes in 3 easy steps would be long gone by the end of the day.
Yet, this article is a road map for you to follow starting from today until the end of your life, every day. If this sounds like a lot of work, please read the last sentence of the above paragraph once more. I will deliver you the comprehensive elements of happiness that were discovered by the scientific research in positive psychology and you will have to find ways to incorporate them in your daily lives. As always, if you need my professional help in this endeavor, I am here for you.
This article is based on Dr. Martin Seligman’s work. Dr. Seligman is a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and he is a pioneer in positive psychology, which is interested in promoting happiness and well-being in people. Simply put, according to Dr. Seligman’s research, one way of increasing our levels of happiness and well-being in our lives is to experience more positive emotions. Simple, right? And here is the key point: there are three different sets of positive emotions. The first set of positive emotions is those directed toward the past such as satisfaction, serenity, contentment, and pride. The second set is the positive emotions are those directed toward the future such as hope, confidence, optimism, and trust. The science suggests that the more positive emotions you experience, the more pleasant your life will become.
Let’s look at how we can increase the first two sets of positive emotions we feel toward past and future. One way to increase the emotions directed toward the past is to keep a mental or an actual gratitude journal. Basically, every night before you go to sleep, spend 5 minutes ruminating about what you are grateful for that day. As you are writing these down, allow yourself to feel the gratitude deeply rather than merely checking off a “to do list item” before bed such as brushing your teeth or washing your make up off. Benefits from this simple activity is two-fold: 1- Every night before you go to bed, you will re-feel the gratitude with which you came in contact during your day, and 2- Now that you committed to write down what you are grateful for, you will be more mindful and aware of the
grateful moments during your routine day. It is a win-win! I have personally incorporated this into my life and I feel a lot more joyful as a result.
There is one other way to increase positive emotions directed toward the past. But before I tell you what it is, I want to acknowledge that all of us carry unfinished business from our past. Unfortunately for some of us, these unfinished events are not only unpleasant but perhaps even traumatic. I am quite aware that it may be extremely hard for you to utilize this second method of positive emotions about the past before you work through some or all of your resentments and trauma about your past experiences with your therapist. But when you are ready, the way to increase positive emotion about your past is to forgive. I recognize forgiveness is a tough one for many. I know from personal experience. It is, too, extremely hard for me to forgive. If you are like me and you value justice and fairness, until the wrongdoer is fairly punished for the bad deed, you probably have a hard time forgiving as well. What helps me in these situations is to think about who really suffers from holding on and not forgiving. Who is the one in pain? Who really is the prisoner in this instance? The answer is you. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a decision; and I try very hard every day to decide not to be the one to suffer and be in pain by holding on to my past. Perhaps, this perception will help you too.
Increasing positive emotion about the future is simply through hope and optimism. If you are not an optimist by default, you will need to do some work in this domain as there is no easy way to increase optimism if you happen to be a person who consistently sees the glass half empty. However, the good news is that Cognitive Therapy is proven to work very effectively in shifting cognitive perceptions. I recommend you give your therapist a call and do some work with this.
The third set of positive emotions, in my opinion the most important one, is those directed toward the present moment such as the pleasures and the gratifications. I left this one to the last because I notice that in our society there is often a misconception about these pleasures and gratifications. The pleasures often are those that come through our senses: seeing, touching, tasting, and smelling. These are delights that require little or no interpretation and have strong raw emotional components. Watching a good movie, eating ice cream, drinking a glass of your favorite beverage, and having an orgasm, to name a few… Needless to say, these activities feel great. Nevertheless, the common misconception in our society is that pleasure equals happiness. In order words, the more pleasure we experience, the happier we will become. In fact, this misconception confirms the common societal myth that money brings happiness. The faulty logic behind this myth is that money can purchase pleasures, and pleasures make one happy; thus the richer you are, the happier you will be. Yet, science proves us that nothing can be further from the truth. There is a simple problem with pleasures. Although any enjoyable life will inevitably include pleasures, a life that revolves
around seeking pleasure is doomed to fail because by their very nature, the pleasures are evanescent; they are temporary, hence the raw feelings we get during these activities dissipate soon after we engage in them (one quick tip to make them last longer is to utilize mindfulness while we are engaged in these activities). In addition, they involve very little, if any, thinking. The gratifications, on the other hand, are activities that we enjoy doing, yet they do not accompany the raw feelings that the pleasures do. We get lost in these activities; we get completely immersed in them to the point that we lose self-consciousness. These activities are different for all us, for some of us it is a physical activity such as working out or running, for some it is painting, reading a good book, or talking to a friend, for others it is engaging fully with their children, or perhaps gardening. Yet, when we are in these activities, the challenge before us fits perfectly with our skills and abilities, and we are in touch with our strengths. The gratifications last longer than pleasures, they require quite a bit of thinking and interpretation, they plunge deeply into our virtues, and they cannot be attained or permanently amplified without relying upon and developing our personal strengths. Here is the great news: the psychology research suggests that those who incorporate their signature strengths (trust me when I say we all have those and they are all different for each of us) into their jobs, relationships, hobbies, and daily activities are not only more gratified, but also live longer and experience fewer physical illnesses than those who do not.
Dr. Seligman identified 24 signature strengths that we all possess. In order to find out what your top signature strengths are, you can easily log into www.authentichappiness.org website and take the free VIA Strengths Survey. Now, here is something very important, when you are taking this survey, be honest with yourself and answer the questions as how you genuinely are rather than as you wish you really were. If you do not remember anything from this article, remember this: once you identify your top 5 signature strengths, find ways to incorporate these strengths into your lives every day in order to have gratification. Find ways to integrate them in your job, your relationship with your partner, your leisure time, and the time you spend with yourself or your friends. Gratifications that revolve around our signature strengths, according to the science of positive psychology, are the keys to lasting happiness and well-being.
In summary, if you wish to live an enjoyable life, pursue positive emotions about the past, present, and the future. If you wish to live a “good life” as Aristotle called it, use your signature strengths to attain plentiful gratification in the important areas of your life. If you wish to lead a meaningful life, use your signature strengths self-transcendently, in the service of something that is much bigger than you are.
May the happiness in your life be in abundance…
P.S: If you are seeking further information about these concepts, I highly recommend Dr. Martin Seligman’s book Authentic Happiness, on which this article is based.