Grief is one of the most intense human emotions, and unlike many other emotional or psychological challenges, it is universal. Simply put, if one lives long enough, one will lose; therefore one will have to grieve. Contradictory to its universality, however, grief is also highly misunderstood in our society. Unfortunately, most of us are confused about how to grieve for or what it takes to recover from a loss. According to James and Friedman, the owners and the directors of the Grief Recovery Institute, one reason for this confusion is that most of us received inaccurate messages regarding loss from our caregivers (2009). Basically, James and Friedman believe that no one taught us how to grieve as children. As a result, we still attempt to grieve for our losses inadequately as adults.
I was 7 years old when I experienced my first loss. My pet fish had died. As expected, I was sad and I felt like crying for what I lost. It was a natural process; I needed to mourn by crying. Nonetheless, it was excruciating for my father to see me in pain. He wanted to stop me from hurting. He wanted to take my pain away not knowing how impossible this really was. Then, possibly out of haplessness, he made a last-ditch attempt: He approached my kindly, started stroking my hair, said to me “don’t cry, we will get you a new fish”. He was unintentionally teaching me to grieve inadequately. For once, it was impossible not to cry, and secondly, I did not want a new fish. Although I have no doubts that my father had genuine and caring intentions, he gave me the wrong message about what it takes to grieve for my loss. He implicitly instructed me “not to feel bad for my loss”, and “to replace what I lost with something else”. If only it was that simple.
Now take a moment to think about all the incorrect messages you were led to believe about grief and loss. How many of you were asked go to your room and cry there if you were upset about something? If this is one of your memories, then you were led to believe that “you should grieve behind closed doors and by yourself”. As a therapist, I can inform you that this is not the most efficient way to complete your recovery. How many of you were told that “you need to be strong” after a significant loss? Although this sounds good on the surface, it is providing you with the wrong message that it is “weak” to be sad and to show this intense sadness. How many of you were told by someone that you need to “stay busy” after a loss or that you need to “give it time”? Even though, it does take time to grieve, the time itself will not cause your recovery unless you are doing your work in that time frame. Furthermore, while it would be very overwhelming to immerse yourself in your sadness throughout every hour of every day, keeping buys constantly will not do much beyond helping you avoid your pain and postponing your recovery. It will only hide everything under a thin blanket of daily activity. However, there is no blanket that is big enough to cover grief.
These are the 6 messages Friedman and James argue that most of us received in regards to grieving for a loss: 1- Don’t feel bad. 2- Replace the loss. 3- Grieve alone. 4- Keep busy. 5- Be strong for others. 6- Give it time. If you are trying to heal your wounds utilizing one of these myths, you may be postponing your recovery. The good news is that identifying which one of these myths you still believe might be the first step in your healing.
Some of you might now be wondering, “Ok, now that I identified these myths, how do I really grieve adequately?” While there is no universal formula or a “how to” manual to grieve, here are some tips that you might find helpful in this process:
- Don’t minimize your loss
- Don’t compare your loss with someone else’s
- Feel! Grief recovery is an emotional process. You cannot recover from grief intellectually
- Remember that recovering is not forgetting
- Share your pain with others who care about you
- Remember that every relationship is unique; therefore, keep in mind that every person deals with grief in their unique way, even if people share the same loss
- Remember that a grieving person wants to be heard, not fixed
- Take responsibility for your feelings rather than wishing they would just go away
- Allocate specific times throughout the week and allow yourself to feel your sorrow
- During your allocated time, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and allow your thoughts, feelings, and memories to come to you naturally. They will be right there if you allow them to come to you. Your body knows what to do. Hold your pain in compassion. Stop wishing that it was not there. Welcome it. Hold your pain gently. Hold yourself tenderly. Be with your pain. Be with it…
- When your allocated time is up, go about living your life. Then come back. Time and time again… Time and time again… Keep your heart open, hold yourself in compassion, and trust in your soul’s ability to heal itself Kan Guvensel, Ph.D., LPC, CPCS Optimal Life, LLC
809 Church Street.
Decatur, GA 30030 www.guvensel.com 404-860-2180 kan@guvensel.com References James, J. W., Friedman, R. (2009). The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York, NY. Harper Collins Publishers. Kornfield, J. (2008). The Wise Heart. New York, NY. Bantam Books.